Overview

The Two Keys to Assertiveness

The Mind Bomb

The Mind Bomb Sequence

Validating Emotions

Neapolitan Assertiveness

Why teach communication skills to people with anxiety?

1. Because tension in relationships is a frequent cause of anxiety.

2. Because people with anxiety tend to have trouble being assertiveness.

3. Because people with anxiety often have difficulty knowing how to handle it when someone is mad at them.

Assertiveness is defined as the ability to recognize your emotions and effectively communicate them. What we are usually talking about here is being able to recognize when someone is irritating you and being able to say something that is effective.

Assertiveness is on a continuum. On the left side is being passive, in the middle is being assertive and on the right side is being aggressive. Passive-Assertive-Aggressive. Being passive means not showing any sign that someone is irritating you at all. Being assertive means telling someone the way their behavior makes you feel and then letting it go. Being aggressive is any form of disapproval where you do not tell the person the way their behavior makes you feel (for example, slamming doors, cursing, making fun of them), or you do not let it go (i.e. arguing with them until they agree, bringing it up several times).

The most common pattern is to be too passive initially. People take it, take it, take it. Swallow it, swallow it, swallow it. Until finally they are so mad that they overshoot the mark and become aggressive: they yell at the person, stop returning their calls, decrease frequency of contact, or write them off all together. The goal of assertiveness is to get you to say something quickly, before you get so angry that you overshoot the mark by become aggressive.

There are two keys to assertiveness: 1. Mention an emotion, and 2. Let it go.

Mention an Emotion

The most important key to assertiveness is that you have to use your emotions as the reason that you want to person to change, rather than using logic. The problem with logic is that it tends to go around in circles and it gets very frustrating. Using your emotions gives people less to argue with. It makes the process more efficient.

 Let it Go

The particular technique of assertiveness that I recommend is to tell the person the way their behavior makes you feel, and the behavior you would prefer. If they are defensive, then repeat it. If they are still defensive, then let it go (i.e. be nice to them, accept their excuse, move on in the conversation, validate their emotions, even apologize for your tone if necessary). What’s interesting about assertiveness, is that it doesn’t matter whether or not they agree with you. You will still feel better for getting it off your chest, and they will still change. 

My favorite phrasing for assertiveness is what I call a "Mind Bomb", which is the following statement:

"When you do X behavior, it makes me feel Y emotions, and I'd prefer if you did Z behavior instead."

The behavior (i.e. “X behavior”) should be specific, observable, and measurable. Avoid concepts and theories. If someone is always late, don’t say “When you disrespect me” or “When you prioritize your work over our friendship”, say “When you’re late.” That makes it easy for them to know what you are talking about. It also eliminates most of the argumentation.

Always follow up with the preferred behavior (i.e. “Z behavior). In this case, “I’d prefer if you are on time.” That makes it clear that you are requesting a change, rather than ending or threatening the relationship.

My favorite emotions (i.e. “Y emotion”) are “worried”, “concerned” and “uncomfortable”. People get less defensive when I use those words. They are also appropriate for a business context (i.e. “I am not comfortable with that time-line, I’d prefer this other time-line instead”).

The way you deliver a mind bomb is what I refer to as the Mind Bomb Sequence. This highlights the idea that you are going to let it go no matter what (i.e. even if you don’t get an apology or verbal agreement, and especially if they are counterattacking, defensive, or having a depressive or angry tantrum… and, yes, adults do have tantrums!).

YOU: Mind Bomb

THEM: Blah Blah Blah

YOU: Repeat the Mind Bomb

THEM: Blah Blah Blah

YOU: Let It Go (i.e. be nice to them, validate their feelings, accept their excuses)

Why let it go so quickly? The best way to train any animal (including a human!) is to administer a punishment that is brief in duration. The briefer the punishment, the more effective it is. With a human being, that mean you usually have to be nice to them before they even agree with you. If you push for agreement, it will take too long. You lose efficiency, and, usually, you do unnecessary damage to the relationship by bringing up 10 other things you don’t like about each other. Remember, you don’t need verbal agreement to feel better (i.e. getting it off your chest is enough) and you don’t need verbal agreement in order to get behavioral change (i.e. them hearing you and them getting upset about it is enough to influence their behavior).

Example #1:

YOU: It makes me uncomfortable when you make fun of me, and I’d prefer if you did it less often.

THEM: Aww, come on. You’re being too sensitive. I was only joking. 

YOU: I’m just saying that it makes me uncomfortable when you make fun of me, and I’d prefer if you did it less often.

THEM: You’re too sensitive. No one else complains about my joking.

YOU: Well, I’m glad I told you. I can see why my comment irritated you. I do enjoy your friendship and am sorry I caught you off guard... How was your week?

Example #2:

YOU: “It makes me uncomfortable when you share my secrets with our friends. I prefer if you kept my secrets between us.”

THEM: “A lot of us have been talking that you are way too closed off. I’m just trying to open you up.”

YOU: “I’m just saying that it makes me uncomfortable when you share my secrets with our friends, and I’d prefer if you kept my secrets between us.”

THEM: “You’re still doing it. Your whole closed off thing. Like I was saying, I’m going to keep telling some of your secrets, and I think it’s going to be really good for you.”

YOU: “Well, I’m glad I told you. Let’s move on.”

Even though it may seem like assertiveness “didn’t work” in the above examples (because they did not agree with you), it doesn’t matter. You will still feel better for getting it off your chest, and they will still be more likely to do whatever you were assertive about. The main advantage of “letting it go” is that you avoid going around in circles by trying to use logic, which, in addition to being draining, actually makes the process less effective.

This is the technique I use when people are mad at me. It is also effective in calming people down when they are mad at someone else.

The basic structure of validating emotions is as follows:

“I can see why X behavior would make you feel Y emotion”

So, if you said to me “I’m mad that you are late”, I will almost always reply with something along the lines of “I can see why me being late would make you feel mad.”

It’s best to use people’s exact words whenever possible. Otherwise they will accuse you of putting words in their mouth. For example, if you said “I’m angry that you made fun of me” and I replied “I can see why you are sad because you are too sensitive to take a joke”, it won’t calm you.

The point of emotion validation is to make sure the other person feels heard. That is the quickest way to calm them down. It also disarms them in the sense that they can’t really repeat their point. You already gave it to them.

After you validate someone’s emotions, you should pause and wait for them to reply. That way, you are sure they heard you. If you launch immediately into an explanation, a defense, or a counterattack, they won’t remember that you validated them, and, as a result, they won’t feel heard. People are like broken records. They will keep repeating themselves until they know they have been heard. Then, and only then, will they be willing to listen. In other words, validating people’s emotions is what prepares them to listen.

The wording of emotion validation is important (“I can see why X behavior would make you feel Y emotion”) because, that way, I can use the same phrasing even if I am falsely accused. You can say, “Dr. K, I’m mad that you’re an alien” and I can reply “I can see why me being an alien would make you feel mad.” After you reply, “Thanks for understanding”, then I can say “But I just want to bring up that I’m pretty sure I’m human.”

If you forget to validate someone emotions in the moment (or simply refuse to do it because you are too angry), it still works well if you do it later. Once you are calm, and when you want to repair the relationships, validate their position first (rather than repeating your side of the argument). It is still effective even years after the fact. It can also be done over text or email, which is often easier and less confrontational for both parties.

My favorite way to resolve mutual disputes is through a combination of emotion validation and assertiveness which I call Neapolitan Assertiveness. Like Neapolitan ice cream, it has three parts/flavors:

1. Validate their emotions 2. Mind Bomb them 3. Say something nice.

If we accuse each other of being late and the argument goes badly, the next day I will send you an email with three paragraphs or I will send you three texts in a row. I will start by validating you: “I can see why you are mad that I am always late, and why you would feel better if I showed up on time.” The second paragraph or text will be assertive/use a Mind Bomb: “I also get angry when you are late, and would also feel relieved if you showed up on time. The third paragraph will say something: “I really value our friendships and am looking forward to your reply.”

The fact that you open by validating their emotions almost always catches people off guard. This almost always wins a person's respect. It also prepares them to listen to what you have to say. If you lead with anything else, they literally won't take in what you have to say. Once people have been heard, they will be willing to listen. Then you do the Mind Bomb. Then you exit by being nice.

I love doing this over text or email, because I can make sure I do it right, and also, it looks great if they show it to other people and/or when they read it again themselves.