The Mind Bomb Sequence
The way you deliver a mind bomb is what I refer to as the Mind Bomb Sequence. This highlights the idea that you are going to let it go no matter what (i.e. even if you don’t get an apology or verbal agreement, and especially if they are counterattacking, defensive, or having a depressive or angry tantrum… and, yes, adults do have tantrums!).
YOU: Mind Bomb
THEM: Blah Blah Blah
YOU: Repeat the Mind Bomb
THEM: Blah Blah Blah
YOU: Let It Go (i.e. be nice to them, validate their feelings, accept their excuses)
Why let it go so quickly? The best way to train any animal (including a human!) is to administer a punishment that is brief in duration. The briefer the punishment, the more effective it is. With a human being, that mean you usually have to be nice to them before they even agree with you. If you push for agreement, it will take too long. You lose efficiency, and, usually, you do unnecessary damage to the relationship by bringing up 10 other things you don’t like about each other. Remember, you don’t need verbal agreement to feel better (i.e. getting it off your chest is enough) and you don’t need verbal agreement in order to get behavioral change (i.e. them hearing you and them getting upset about it is enough to influence their behavior).
Examples of the mind bomb sequence in action
Example #1:
YOU: It makes me uncomfortable when you make fun of me, and I’d prefer if you did it less often.
THEM: Aww, come on. You’re being too sensitive. I was only joking.
YOU: I’m just saying that it makes me uncomfortable when you make fun of me, and I’d prefer if you did it less often.
THEM: You’re too sensitive. No one else complains about my joking.
YOU: Well, I’m glad I told you. I can see why my comment irritated you. I do enjoy your friendship and am sorry I caught you off guard... How was your week?
Example #2:
YOU: “It makes me uncomfortable when you share my secrets with our friends. I prefer if you kept my secrets between us.”
THEM: “A lot of us have been talking that you are way too closed off. I’m just trying to open you up.”
YOU: “I’m just saying that it makes me uncomfortable when you share my secrets with our friends, and I’d prefer if you kept my secrets between us.”
THEM: “You’re still doing it. Your whole closed off thing. Like I was saying, I’m going to keep telling some of your secrets, and I think it’s going to be really good for you.”
YOU: “Well, I’m glad I told you. Let’s move on.”
Even though it may seem like assertiveness “didn’t work” in the above examples (because they did not agree with you), it doesn’t matter. You will still feel better for getting it off your chest, and they will still be more likely to do whatever you were assertive about. The main advantage of “letting it go” is that you avoid going around in circles by trying to use logic, which, in addition to being draining, actually makes the process less effective.